NPR posted an interesting article around an study reported in the Journal of Family Psychology. According to the NPR story, “women like it when men share their anger and frustration.” Have you found this to be true in your own relationships?

I found one statement from the article to be particularly telling … “The women tend to want to engage around conflict”.

Now this may be true in a general sense, but if it is, I don’t see it as being a positive thing. To need conflict in order to feel satisfaction is a sign of spiritual unconsciousness. What do you think?

Original article here.

Men like it when women let them know when they’re happy. Women like it when men share their anger and frustration.

Well, that sounds like a bit of a problem.

But the good news, researchers say, is that what matters most in a relationship is whether it feels like the other person is really trying to relate to the emotions, whether they’re happy or sad.

It’s not so hard to understand why men get satisfaction out of seeing their wife or girlfriend happy. Wouldn’t anyone?

But the notion that women like seeing their mate angry, sad or frustrated is more of a puzzle. What’s up with us, women?

But the findings are consistent with what we know about couples, says Shiri Cohen, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital. She asked 156 couples to remember incidents in the relationship that upset them, and compared their reactions.

“The women tend to want to engage around conflict,” she told Shots. “They’re deriving more satisfaction when they see that their partner is upset.”

Evidently we women see a man’s willingness to share negative feelings as a sign that he’s invested in the relationship. Cohen says: “That’s telling her something about his availability to engage in the conflict.”

Men feel exactly the opposite about those moments of conflict: They see it as a threat to the relationship. Instead, Cohen says, “They do derive satisfaction when their girlfriends or wives are happy.”

The findings were just published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

So I guess we women have to stop and take notice at those moments of male happiness. And men could profit by starting a sentence with the phrase “I feel bad about ….”

But both sexes benefit when they make it clear they’re empathizing with the other’s feelings, be they good or bad.

“It’s sometimes difficult for partners to look past what their own emotions are,” Cohen says. “It helps to know that different kinds of emotions can enhance the way people feel about their relationships.”

Encounters with strangers can be very enlightening experiences, full of opportunities for learning about yourself. But often times the overwhelming lesson I come away with is how connected we all are. A couple of occasions – synchronicities and strange encounters – definitely gave me the sense that there is a spiritual connection that is always there, even though hidden from normal awareness.

Soul Recognition

A few months ago I experienced some kind of dissociative state while I was going out to grab a bite to eat. I’m still not sure what happened, but it occurred during a trip to a local taco shop.

The place was Chipotle’s. A place for good, fresh tacos and burritos, that has become a favorite place for a quick bite. You place your order at the front and they make it right there in front of you in assembly-line fashion. At this particular location in Cupertino, there is plenty of seating available and at the right time of day it can be a very lively, noisy environment.

So on this occasion when I stopped in it was one of those busy days with plenty of people seated, waiting in line at the order counter, or walking with their food. I gazed around the room as I approached the end of the line, and then became surprised when the first person who caught my attention looked awfully familiar. For a few moments I tried to recollect where I’d seen him before or why I felt I knew him, but nothing came to mind. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. All I knew was that his appearance, his hair, facial features, and expressions, all combined to give me the distinct impression that I had seen him before.

Finally I gave up trying to figure it out. Then I looked at another person nearby and she, too, looked very familiar. What a coincidence, I thought. But again, I couldn’t place where I had seen her before or recollect who she was. It was at this point that I started gazing over the entire room and, one by one, with each person I looked at, I felt I had seen them somewhere before! And I don’t mean that I had seen them there at Chipotle’s (though that can’t be ruled out), but it was more a feeling that each person’s face was not new at all, not unfamiliar in the slightest. They weren’t all in one group, either, but were the typical conglomeration of several individuals and small groups of people who all happened to decide to eat at Chipotle’s at that point in time. There was no reason I should have known ALL of them. And the frustrating part was that I couldn’t put my finger on where I could have possibly seen them before. I can’t adequately describe how bizarre it was to go from face to face, each time discovering that I had already seen that face, or even already knew who they were.

That has not happened again, and I’m not sure what to make of the experience. I do feel, however, that perhaps I really did know everyone there. Researchers on the subject of life after death have written books describing the process of soul migration, and how groups of souls often decide to incarnate at the same time. Normally there is no memory of previous incarnations, the time spent between lives, or the other souls encountered. Had what I experienced actually been a recognition on the soul level of other souls?

Are you my daddy?

This next account betrays behavior on my part that I’m not proud of. I’ll be open about it here because the entire account ties in with this theme of being connected with others, even strangers, at a hidden level.

I had just finished exercising at a local gym. It was a weekday evening, after work, and I was tired and somewhat impatient to get home. As I walked to the door, a woman with her small children were also leaving, but they seemed to be having problems actually getting through the door. I realize she had her hands full as there were two or three small children and maybe an older child with her that she was trying to get out the door.

Now the entrance to the gym was one of those double-swing doors and they ended up blocking half the doorway and weren’t moving fast enough for my impatient pace as I came up behind them. Actually, they didn’t seem to be moving at all. Since they were only blocking half the doorway (one door), I went around them and pushed on the other door to get passed and then walked right on through.

In my haste to leave, I didn’t notice that one of the children decided to move to the part of the doorway that I had just walked through, and so when I let go of the door it almost swung right into her. In fact, it would have hit her if the mom hadn’t shouted “look out!” and caught the door.

The door didn’t hit her, but then neither did I break my stride as I kept walking.

The mom didn’t seem too concerned, and didn’t appear to notice me at all. Still, I felt bad that the door could have hit the little girl – but not bad enough to say anything as the entire family followed me through the parking lot and right to my car (NOW they decided to move fast). No, they weren’t tracking me down – it just turned out that they, of course, happened to be parked right next to me! Yes, it was a fitting metaphor for my nagging conscience that itself followed me as I walked to my car.

I got in and drove away.

Two days later I went back to the gym, and again, after I finished my workout and proceeded to leave, the same family was leaving the gym at the same time. Another reminder of the events from two days prior. I took a deep breath and determined that I would not be impatient this time. Even though we all exited at the same time, there was no incident.

As I walked from the building I wondered if they recognized me at all. As if on queue, one of the children, a little boy, kept staring at me. He even started to walk alongside me, straying away from his family. Just when I began to wonder what was on his mind, he repeatedly asked me some question that I couldn’t understand. His older brother was walking with him and explained, very matter-of-factly, “He thinks you’re his Dad.” And then the kid showed me his hand-held video game he was playing with, as if wanting acknowledgment or approval. I just smiled, nodded, and continued to the car. That seemed to satisfy him.

I have not seen that family since.

So what forces were at work to bring strangers together in such as minor yet intriguing way? And why did one of them seem to recognize me, or at least think that he knew me?

The doors to that gym have since been replaced – with automatic sliding doors.

Is anyone truly a stranger?

Perhaps there are no true strangers. Spiritual tradition teach of the unity of all people. All we need to do is open our eyes to see the truthfulness of those teachings. We interact with others every day – we see people at work, at the grocery line, at the bank, at school. Some are familiar and others appear as total strangers. I believe that the true original sin is the concept that we are each separate from each other. If, instead, we could view all others as part of ourselves, then we could be happy when good fortune smiles on others. And we wouldn’t feel the need to take for ourselves at another person’s expense.

Several meditation traditions include the practice of blessing others at the conclusion of a meditation session. It starts with people that we care the most about, but eventually expands to encompass the entire world of humanity. That is the part that takes some practice to do with sincere feeling. But if we can open our eyes to the small clues that present themselves daily, we can see the truthfulness of it, and then feel sincere concern for all people everywhere. Such attitudes can go a long way towards healing a planet.

Proponents of the Law of Attraction often make it sound like it’s the answer to any problem you may have. While I do agree based on my own experiences that you can effect changes in your life that way – it is only part of the solution.

One example is in the matter of relationships.

Let’s say you want to improve your relationship with your husband or wife. You might feel you are in a good relationship, and want it to just get better. Or you might be feeling very negative right now about the other person. Don’t think that all you have to do is use the law of attraction to get the other person to change. If you really want to bring about long-term improvements, you need to also change yourself.

So let’s list the steps to take to improve a relationship. (Of course, this isn’t meant to take the place of other actions you might have to take in some circumstances, such as abusive relationships.)

1. First, you must decide that you want to improve the relationship.
2. Second, set aside any negative feelings you might have about the other person.

   This might require waiting until a point in time when things are going well, or when you aren’t in the middle of the throes of resentment.

3. Third, reflect on the positive qualities of the other person, particularly those things that make you feel good.

   It might be those qualities that attracted you to the person to begin with. Or it might be qualities that you enjoy now, but that you want to experience more of. To help focus on these qualities, you can even write them down.

   Spend a little time each day to reflect on these, and to actually feel gratitude for those good things that you experience with the other person.

Pay attention to small changes, as any improvement is a step in the right direction and paves the way for more improvement later on.

I can attest to the fact that this does work, and I’ve had tremendous success with this in my own relationships. This includes not only my relationship with my wife, but also with my children. It’s even been a little uncanny how quickly things can change.

But once you find that the other person is more approachable, more agreeable, or however you wanted “them” to be, you may discover that there is still the issue of yourself. You may find that there are times when you aren’t in the mood for others to be pleasant. Now they are suddenly being as you wanted, but it’s not “at the right time”. Then what?

It would not be reasonable to think that it is just the other person who is responsible for any relationship issues. This is an opportunity to examine your own place in the relationship, and take ownership of what you bring to the table. This is the perfect time to see what you need to do to improve, as it will be hitting you in the face. Don’t run away from it. After all, you have attracted this situation to yourself. If your sincere goal was to improve your relationships, then this is in line with that goal.

You used the law of attraction to attract positive qualities in the other person. If you still find yourself with negative feelings, then know that they are coming from yourself. Why are you feeling that way? It may have been easy to blame others, but that often times just hid areas that needed to be examined. There is no reason to blame the other person now, so all that is left is yourself.

This is where the real work begins, a work that is well worth the effort. The law of attraction is only a tool – it is not a cure all for any situation. The real cure requires some self work to change your own outlook, and to that end the law of attraction can be an invaluable tool.

(This article is featured in the Evolving Times: Law of Attraction Carnival #18.)